Christmas Preparations at St. Catherine's Kindergarten.
Miss Carlisle, the Head Teacher of St. Catherine's Kindergarten, insisted on the children performing a Traditional Christmas Play every year. The fact that they ranged in age from 2 to 5 did not worry her one bit. So every year there were lots of rehearsals and lots of costume fittings and lots of parents raiding their attics for sheep, lambs and donkeys etc.
Miss Carlisle believed every child should be in the play, which meant that this year there were 43 children performing. 9 of the children were around 5 and would be going to the Main School after Christmas, 19 were between 3 and 4 and the remainder, some 15 children, were under 3. Rehearsals began in September and the cast were all chosen by the start of October. As Christmas got closer there were more and more rehearsals and finally, one Monday, everyone got together for the first full rehearsal.
The Main Hall of the Kindergarten was full of teachers, pupils and teachers helpers as Miss Carlisle got Mary, the narrator and the Angel Gabriels onto the stage in readiness to begin. Edrith and Elise, being identical twins, were playing the Angel together, which was a bit odd, but as Miss Carlisle said, you had to adapt to circumstances when dealing with very small children. Their older sister Flora was the narrator because she had a loud voice and for no other reason.
Flora stood at the side of the stage, swaying slightly and humming to herself. She stared at the ceiling and then at the floor and said nothing at all.
''Flora'' called Miss Carlisle, from in front of the stage ''remember what you have to say now.''
''Oh yes'' said Flora calmly and promptly said, in rush and in voice totally devoid of any expression whatever, " alongtimeagoinBeth----in Beth----in--in---Beth-le-hem---aladycalledMarywasathomewhenanAngel----ImeantwoAngelscameandtoldhersomeeggsistingnews---"
"Now you, Angels'' said Miss Carlisle encouragingly to the Twins.
''I forgot it'' said Edrith immediately {she'd only been learning it for nearly three months after all].
''I know it!" cried Elise, happily ''Mary, you are a bless-ed woman and you are going to go to Bedleherm and have a baby and call him Jesus.''
"I can't have a baby''said Mary right on cue { she was actually a 4 and a half year old called Melissa] ''because I have ---I haven't got a boyfriend.''
"Its Bethlehem'' said Miss Carlisle ''and you mustn't say boyfriend, Melissa, you have to say husband.''
''My Mummy says you don't have to have a Husband'' said Melissa firmly.
"I want you to say Husband, dear'' said Miss Carlisle, in her usual unflappable way.
"Oh, alright then'' agreed Melissa, in what she obviously thought was a friendly manner, and said loudly ''oh dear, I can't have a baby because I haven't got a husband---is that all right?''
"Fine'' said Miss Carlisle ''go on, Angels.''
''What?" said Edrith, looking blankly at Elise.
''The baby's Father will be God, and you are to call him Jesus'' said Elise, beaming a wide smile at Miss Carlisle "I remembered didn't I, I did" she added virtuously.
''I know it now" said Edrith quickly, not willing to be outshone by her twin " Mary, you are a bleeded woman and you are going to go to----to---to--I know it----its----its."
"Beth--ler--herm" said Elise.
''Yes'' continued Edrith ''there---and you are going to have baby Jesus---there in----in------there.''
"Its not bleeded" corrected one of the teachers from the side of the stage, she was a Mrs Perkins, universally known as Spider Perkins, no-one quite knew why ''its blessed.''
"I said that!" cried Edrith indignantly ''bledded----no---blesserd.''
''Good" interrupted Miss Carlisle, unfazed by all this confusion ''now lets go on with the play---where is my Joseph?''
Joseph, to make things more complicated, actually was called Joseph. He was a tall child of just 5 with red hair and unusually big feet. He also stamped when he walked. Now he stamped out onto the middle of the stage, looking suitably grumpy and irritated, which was how he always looked, even when playing. Melissa disappeared backstage for a moment and reappeared with some mysterious object stuffed up the front of her sweater.
''What's that bump?" asked Joseph, spotting it and trying to grab hold of it.
Melissa dodged him and put her arms protectively over the bump. "That's my baby'' she informed him seriously.
''What do you say?" Miss Carlisle prompted.
Joseph thought for a moment. Finally he murmured "er--please may I look at your bump."
''No" Miss Carlisle sighed "what are you supposed to say--now--in the play, dear.''
''Oh" Joseph replied " erm---oh I know---its a long way to Bedlem and ----.''
"Bethlehem'' Spider Perkins hissed.
"Pardon?" Joseph enquired politely.
"Bethlehem" Spider repeated somewhat louder.
"Oh Betherlehem" Joseph said carefully "I didn't hear you----I got werx in my ear and I have to go and get it sirinded out.''
At that inopportune moment a large green flat thing with bulging eyes fell out of Melissa's sweater onto the stage floor. "Oh OH'' she cried loudly ''MY BABY.''
"That's not a baby" said Joseph witheringly " that's a Frog.''
"OH OH" cried Melissa obediently "OH MY POOR FROG'' then in a calmer tone she added " I'll just put him back up again.''
"You can't put them back" said Joseph in a knowledgeable voice "once they come out--they can't go back up--I know---cause if you could put them back my little Brother would be up there by now--an Mummy said she wouldn't have him back there for anything cause he'd been there long enough already-- and he's supposed to be borned in Bedlehem and he's been borned on the road and that's wrong---he's supposed to be borned in a stable--and----"
"You aren't meant to have anything up there at the moment" interrupted Miss Carlisle "you just pretend.''
''I couldn't" said Melissa, calmly and honestly.
"Well" said Miss Carlisle, ignoring the laughter of her colleagues as best as she could "just put him back now, Melissa.''
Some time later, Joseph and Mary arrived at the door to the Inn. The innkeeper was being played by a child called Peter Hamilton. His family were cockneys who had won the lottery. His parents hoped his new friends would encourage him to speak--as they put it---nice. So far it had been a startling failure and, in fact, the other children had begun to sound cockney.
Peter took up the correct position behind the small door marked in large letters---INN-- which was situated at the side of the stage. Joseph marched boldly up to it and knocked firmly. Nothing happened. He knocked again--harder. Nothing. He knocked again so hard that the door fell over, revealing Peter, standing there looking surprised. He recovered quickly however, stepped over the fallen door and bellowed loudly "WHAT?"
"You're supposed to say what do you want, I'm busy and the Inn is full" explained Spider, carefully "then Joseph asks if there's anywhere to stay because Mary is having a baby and you say you have a stable."
"Oh'' said Peter and started again, louder than ever, shouting "WHAT D'YOU WANT I'M BUSY AND THERE AINT NO ROOM!"
"My Mary is having a frog and we need a room'' said Joseph.
''It isn't a frog it's a baby'' said Spider.
''I've seen it" Joseph sighed " and it's a FROG!''
''When you do the play it'll be a baby" said Miss Carlisle "so please say baby, Joseph.''
Joseph sighed again. "Mary is a having a baby and we need a room'' he said, adding ''but it looks like a frog, I know cause I've seen it."
''I got a Stable'' said Peter dutifully ''it's a bit stinky, but you can 'ave it.''
''You mustn't say it's stinky, Peter'' instructed Miss Carlisle.
"My Daddy says Stables stink'' Peter complained ''cause they got animals in them doing poos on the floor and they don't 'ave no mops.''
"Well'' Miss Carlisle replied ''I don't want you to say stink anyway.''
Despite all this bother Mary and Joseph eventually managed to actually get into the stable, much to everyone's relief. It was then the Shepherds turn to shine. 11 small children gathered on the stage and were persuaded to sit down around a red circle with FIRE written on it. Miss Carlisle told them to pretend to warm their hands at the fire because it was a cold night. 10 of them obeyed, the 11th, a 4 year old named Henry, didn't.
''Henry'' called Miss Carlisle ''please warm your hands. It's a very cold night.''
''My hands aren't cold'' Henry objected '' and there's no fire.''
''That's the fire'' Miss Carlisle explained ''the red circle.''
Henry was a matter of fact child. " No it isn't'' he said.
''Pretend" said MIss Carlisle.
''I can't" said Henry.
Jacob, a four and a half year old whose Father was a fireman said helpfully '' shall I find a match, that's how you start a fire you have a match.''
''No'' Miss Carlisle responded ''we can't have a real fire, we have to pretend.''
"I can't'' Henry said again ''I can moo, can I moo?"
''There's no cows'' said Spider '' there's only sheep, you're looking after sheep---where are the sheep anyway?"
The 7 sheep, who were all 3 or under, tumbled onto the stage and stood at the back, swaying and shuffling their feet. Miss Carlisle instructed them to baaa. They all baaad with enthusiasm except one child who was obviously not making a sound.
"Debbie'' called Miss Carlisle ''please baa with the others.''
''I don' wanna be a sheep'' Debbie sniffed " I wanna be a cow and moo.''
''I can moo'' Henry informed the world ''me an Debbie can moo.''
Miss Carlisle gave in, so 6 children baad and one sheep and one shepherd mood. Henry, in particular mood VERY loudly. He could be heard over all the sheep--mooing. At this moment, Sheridan, the younger brother of Edrith and Elise and Flora, who was one of the shepherds, suddenly stood up, clutching his groin ''I wanna wee'' he cried. He started forward and tripped over the feet of the child next to him. This gave him such a jolt that he wet himself. As Spider came to the rescue, Jacob called out ''he's weed on the fire--he's putted the fire out---that's how you get them out--you wet them--can I get a match now?''
''You can't have a match'' said Spider firmly, as another Teacher rushed to help Sheridan, who was, helpfully, screaming loudly in anguish, "you know you must never play with matches, Joseph.''
''Oh'' Joseph informed the world loudly ''I wasn't going to play with it. I was just going to start the fire again.''
''Pretend'' said Miss Carlisle ''and then we must have the song. Are you all ready for the song, Angels?''
Joseph lit the fire carefully after striking the invisible match on the left knee of one of the shepherds. Then the Angels stumbled onto the stage, gathered in an untidy circle and launched into an amazing version, written by one of the teachers, of Gloria in the highest, and on Earth piece. Tuneful it was not. Loud it was, definitely. After a moment they all trailed off halfway through the second on Earth and a small voice from near the back cried out ''who is Gloria--that's what I want to know?"
Before anyone could attempt to explain another voice shouted "I know Gloria, she's my Auntie--I don know why we're singing to her--I don even think she's nice---she makes me wash--a lot--even when I'm not dirty.''
Miss Carlisle sighed and said "Gloria isn't a person-- you're praising God--saying how wonderful God is.''
''Well" said the voice who knew Gloria ''our Gloria isn't wonderful----I don think so.''
At that moment the Angels Gabriel came hurrying onto the stage and positioned themselves right in front of everyone else and shouted in unison ''YOU MUST GO TO BETH-------HERMA----- AND WORSIP THE BABY JESUS----AND -----GO NOW.'' The last two words having been added by themselves. That was the end of a scene so Flora stepped forward to do some more narrating.
''THE SHEPHERD'S WENT TO BETH-----BETH--LE---HEM----AND LEFT THEIR SHEEP ON THE HILLSIDE AND WENT AND WORSHIPPED THE BABY IN THE STABLE'' she shouted breathlessly. Her voice was so loud that it could actually be heard outside in the street. Having done this bit she beamed a wide smile at her audience and shouted ''I DID IT ALL RIGHT DIDN'T I?"
One of the shepherds was reluctant to leave his sheep and, while Flora did her bit, could be seen in the background trying, without success, to pick up and carry a small sheep along with him as he left the stage. The sheep didn't want to be carried and was protesting in a voice almost as loud as Flora's. When Flora stopped talking the following exchange was clearly heard:
You have to come cause you might be eaten by a line while I'm gone.
I don want to come there--- I don want to-- an I can walk--- I can walk ever so far-----
You can't walk--you're a lamb.
No I'm not--Spidey said I was a sheep----I'm a big sheep.
I want a lamb--- I want a lamb---
''You can have a toy lamb to carry when we do the Play properly for your parents'' Miss Carlisle explained ''now we have to do the next bit so I want you all to go off the stage----now please---and I want Mary and Joseph and the animals to come on.''
It took a while for this to be arranged successfully and so most of the children had a drink and a biscuit to keep them occupied. This resulted in Mary and Joseph and assorted donkeys coming on stage eating biscuits and dropping crumbs everywhere. One of the donkeys, a 3 year old called Harry, was soon on his knees licking the stage floor. Miss Carlisle was alarmed at this.
"Harry'' she called loudly ''don't do that.''
''Crumbles'' Harry told her.
''Crumbs'' Spider corrected automatically.
''It CRUMBLES" Harry informed her. Which was perfectly true--it did.
Finally, everything was arranged and the Shepherds came onto the stage----I mean into the stable--and kneeled before the baby--which was ---disconcertingly --still a frog. This was soon noticed by the Shepherds. Jacob called out, with alarming politeness ''Please Miss Carlisle---do we have to kneel when its a frog too?'' Miss Carlisle, clearly tired of the frog, said immediately ''pretend its a baby.'' Henry, a child who clearly had very little imagination, called out right away ''I can't.'' One of the female shepherds, a small fat child with very long hair, whose name was April, said smugly ''its a baby frog. A baby Jesus frog.''
Miss Carlisle found this idea distinctly disturbing but she decided to deal with it later, along with the frog itself, which she had started to hate the sight of. She had in fact never been fond of frogs, although she told herself she had not up until this moment ever wished to harm one. Watching the shepherds deal with the situation was disturbing as well.
Especially as imagining the frog was Jesus was actually beyond the ability of most of them. It was, she later decided, all Flora's fault. As the shepherds kneeled before the frog--I mean the baby, she came on to the side of the stage and instead of saying the correct lines, altered them, to suit the situation.
''The Angels came to the shepherds and told them to go and worship the frog which was borned in Betherlehem'' she said loudly ''and so they went and bowed in front of the frog and worshipped him.''
''Baby, Flora'' Miss Carlisle said before she could stop herself.
''Its a frog'' said Flora, scowling slightly "I know about Babies--we're always getting them.'' Since she was one of 17 children this was only too true.
"You have to pretend, dear'' said Miss Carlisle kindly, ignoring the scowl.
''We always have babies at home'' Flora informed the world in general ''and I'd MUCH rather have frogs--because they jump--and they're green.''
Miss Carlisle had a brief and frightening vision of a small green baby jumping and thought for a moment that she was having a nervous breakdown. She collected her thoughts with difficulty and said firmly ''now we want the wise men, Please----where are my wise men--and their pages?''
Any child not occupied elsewhere was a page. This mean that there were three wise men and 8 pages. Miss Carlisle tried to convince herself that this was not odd in any way. She almost succeeded. They all came onto the stage which was, by now, rather crowded. The wise men had to come foreward and present their gifts. The first wise man was a girl called Elizabeth. She came forward and presented her gift saying very nicely ''I bring Gold.'' Miss Carlisle smiled. This was fine, she thought.
The second wise man was a boy called Dane. He came forward, presented his gift, which was at the moment imaginary, and said "I bring Franks in sent.'' As the third wise man, another girl who was called Mia, came forward, one of the donkeys called out ''I don know what that is--what is Franks in scent.''
Before anyone could explain Dane said ''I know Frank and he wont like it--if you got his scent.''
"No'' Spider said quickly ''its frankincense --not Franks in Scent.''
Dane wasn't to be deterred from his idea of Frank and his sent. ''He wont like you having his sense either'' he said.
''What is sense?" called out someone.
''I know'' said Flora immediately ''its the Prime Minister.''
''Whatever gives you that idea, Flora?" asked Miss Carlisle, curiously.
''Because Papa said that man has no sense'' said Flora '' and he knows--Papa knows everything. So he had it an---an someone took it-so now---he's got none--I think.''
Miss Carlisle gave up. ''Just say frankincense'' she said to Dane.
''Alright, but he wont like it'' said Dane ''I bring frankincense.'' he continued, looking around nervously as if he expected the mysterious Frank to turn up at any moment to reclaim his stolen scent or sense or whatever it was.
This brought forth at last, Mia, who was clearly bored by the whole experience and had been yawning and shuffling her feet throughout the Frank business. Finally she was on. She had decided to make the most of her moment. She stepped to the front of the stage, well away from the frog---I mean the baby-- and said ''I bring More.''
''More what?" asked Joseph ''we don't want more of Franks stuff -- we didn't want the first bit of it.''
Mia thought hard. Finally she shouted ''I BRING MORE GOLD.''
This was the highlight of the play so far because everyone clapped. Mia was delighted. She curtsied.
''MYRRH" shouted Miss Carlisle, loosing her normally calm exterior at last.
''That's what I said'' Mia cried. She stared at her colleagues ''I just added the Gold because----because Gold is nice--its shiny and yellow and nice and you can buy things with it.''
''Its not Myrrh its more'' said Spider and then gasped and corrected herself ''I mean myrrh.''
"Myrrh what?" asked Joseph.
''It comes from trees'' said Spider ''its used in perfume and incense.''
''Not that again'' moaned Joseph.
''OH'' shouted Flora ''I SEE---BECAUSE SCENT IS PERFUME ISN'T IT? SO ITS FRANK'S PERFUME, ISN'T IT?''
Dane sighed loudly ''he wont like us having his perfume either'' he added, despondently.
''I spect it was a present'' Flora said reasonably ''for the baby Jesus. Frank gave it to Dane an Dane's gived it the baby--see.''
Since everyone seemed to think this was perfectly acceptable, Miss Carlisle decided to let it lie. She clapped her hands and said ''now everyone on stage for Away in a manger.''
''I don't want to put him ina manger'' said Melissa '' because Daddy said it was what the donkeys ate an I don't want them to eat my Baby.''
''The donkeys know its a special baby'' said Spider ''so he wont get eaten.''
''ITS A FROG!'' shouted Joseph, exasperated.
''Its a baby'' said Melissa ''he just looks a bit -----a bit froggie an I don't want him eaten.''
''The French eat Frogs legs'' said Flora, who had been to France quite often and considered herself an expert on these things. This resulted in several small children starting to cry.
''What do they do with the rest?'' asked Joseph ''I mean--I've seen frogs---real frogs --they're in our pond---an they have other bits--not jus legs.''
''I expect they put them in soup'' said Flora ''cause that's what you do with bits left over from things----you put them in soup.''
''Never mind that'' Miss Carlisle interrupted ''let's all sing.''
The children somehow all got onto the stage and, after some pushing and shoving, and rearranging,started to sing. Sheridan, who was musical, started to cry almost as soon as the singing began, and Flora completely lost her temper after only two lines.
''YOU'RE ALL DOING IT WRONG!" she screamed, stamping her feet ''IT'S NOT AWAY IN A MAJOR ITS AWAY IN A MANGER-- A MANGER--- AND IT'S NO CRIB FOR A BED-- NOT WHAT YOU ALL SUNG!!''
''FLORA!'' shouted Miss Carlisle ''please don't scream and stamp your feet or you wont be in the play at all.''
''I don't care'' Flora replied crossly ''I'm going to big school--I'm a big girl now.''
For a second time the cast launched into their version of Away in a Manger and this time Flora didn't interrupt, she just looked fed up throughout and didn't sing. The singing was an experience not too be missed. Only at odd moments did it resemble the original. As for the words, well, they were not quite correct. The children sang the little lord Jesus lay down in his bed, for example, and the little lord Jesus asleep in Torbay. A complete version went something like--
Away in a major
No cribs for his head
the little lord Jesus lay down in his bed
The stars in the night sky looked down where he lay
the little lord Jesus asleep in Torbay.
The cattle are crowing the baby awakes
But little lord Jesus no crying he makes
I love you lord Jesus look down from the sky
And stay by my side until morning is high.
Be near me Lord Jesus I ask you to stay
Close by me for ever and love me today
Bless all the dear children in your blender there
And fit us in heaven to live with you there.
Which was nearly right. Miss Carlisle was satisfied. She smiled.
THE END.