IN THE STILL OF THE NIGHT
Chapter One.
It's Friday evening and everyone has gone home. I'm alone in the Hub. I'm used to being alone, but sometimes I just want company. Not anything permanent. Just for an evening. I wait until it's past 11pm and then I put on some neutral clothing and go out. I know my team would be surprised to see me wearing jeans and a leather jacket but I do wear different clothing occasionally. Especially when it's necessary.
I try to decide exactly what sort of company I need tonite. There isn't much variety in 21st century Cardiff, unlike some places I've visited. It's either male or female here. There isn't anything else. I usually try to alternate between the two so that means it's male this time. I know a Gay Club. I head straight there. I've been before a number of times. The bartender has begun to get to know me.
I lean on the bar and drink a whisky. I haven't had one for a while and it burns deliciously. I am aware as I drink that I have already attracted the attention of a blonde haired man who is at the other end of the bar. I straighten up and raise my glass to him as I take another sip. He raises his in return and then comes over to me.
"Dance?" he says. It's very noisy in the club and conversation is difficult so I just nod. We drift onto the floor. The music is very loud and very fast. I can dance. I have danced to a lot of different music in a lot of different places, so I am soon joining in with throng of people on the floor. I can gyrate and jump around with the best of them and I can keep in time too. I discover that my new companion is no slouch on the dance floor either.
When the music slows we automatically put our arms around each other and slow down too. This is the time when some dancers leave the floor but we stay and move slowly around together. I notice that he has brown eyes which contrast strongly with his blonde hair. I wonder if the color has come out of a bottle. I don't care if it has. It's a great color and it's wavy too and flops over his neck and forehead in a very attractive way. He has a small nose and wide lips and neat flat ears. I wonder what he thinks of my appearance. He is slightly taller than I am but only by about an inch or maybe two. I wonder if he has a large cock. I hope I get to find out later on.
When the music stops briefly and then becomes loud and fast again, as if by mutual agreement we go to a table and sit down side by side. Immediately a waiter, wearing almost nothing, comes up to our table.
"Would you like to order drinks?" he asks very politely.
I order another whisky and my companion has a vodka with something in it that I don't catch because of the noisy music. The waiter sways off to get the drinks. I notice that he has a very cute butt. The way he moves shows he knows it too.
"I'm Connor" says my new friend. I notice now that his accent is very similar to mine.
"Jack" I say.
"One of my favorite names" he says.
"I like Connor too" I reply. I have never met anyone in my entire life called Connor before today but I'm not about to admit that.
"I've never been here before" he says.
"I've been a few times" I tell him truthfully.
"To meet Guys?" he queries.
There's no point in denying it. Why else would I come to a gay bar. I hope he isn't terribly naive and inexperienced. "Yeh" I say.
"I only moved to Cardiff last week" he explains "I didn't know where to go. Some places have a reputation for being umm, unsavory and dangerous. I didn't want any of that."
"This place is fine". I reach across the table and put my hand over his. It's time I got this show on the road, I think. He turns his hand in mine so we are holding hands across the table. His hand is warm without being hot and sweaty. I hate hot sweaty hands. I start to get hard. We're only holding hands but he has very attractive hands. I lean back slightly in my chair and open my legs a bit wider to give my cock some room. It's anticipation more than anything. I wonder if he's hard too. I put my other hand under the table and find his knee. I squeeze his knee and he responds by opening his legs so that our knees are now touching. I slowly slide my hand up the inside of his thigh until I'm at the top. I move my hand very very slowly and find his hard on. I press it slightly and he groans. I trace the shape of his cock through his pants trying to estimate the size. It's hard to tell because pants can be restrictive. I've always been satisfied to a certain extent with the size of mine but my motto is you can never have too large a cock. The bigger the better.
I feel his hand start to explore me in return. I sit up straight then and let go of him. "I think maybe we need to go somewhere more private" I say.
"Have you got a place?" he asks.
I can't take him to the Hub. "It's a distance away" I say "yours is probably closer".
"It's only round the corner" he tells me "I just thought you might like your own place better. Mine's still a bit disordered."
"No" I say "yours'll be fine. I'd like to see it."
Connor's place is literally round the corner from the club. There are still some boxes lying about waiting to be unpacked but the appartement is fully furnished and decorated and is modern and pleasant. I find I am impressed. He shows me around. There is a living room, a large bathroom, a separate toilet, a kitchen/diner and one very well appointed and spacious bedroom. In the center of the bedroom is a king sized bed. The furniture is light pine and the big window in one wall has a great view of the city since the appartement is on the top floor of the building
"Would you like a drink?" he asks, as I stand and look out of the bedroom window.
"No thanks" I say. I'd really like to go to bed. I look at him and find he's looking at me. Our eyes meet and I suddenly have the oddest feeling. I don't know what it is. It's like we've met before and I know we haven't.
He comes slowly over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders and presses his mouth to mine. I return the kiss and wrap my arms about him. We are still fully clothed with our jackets on. He lets go of me almost right away and removes his jacket. On the bedroom door there are two hooks and he hangs his jacket up on one of them. I remove my own jacket and he carefully hangs it on the other hook. I find I'm thinking of Ianto. That's the sort of thing he would do.
Connor is very neat and meticulous. He sits on the bed and removes his shoes and socks. He folds the socks together and puts them inside the left shoe. He then puts the shoes inside a closet. He takes off his pants and shirt and hangs them on a clothes hanger which he puts inside the closet. Then he gives me a hanger for mine. I feel slightly embarrassed because I was going to just throw them on a chair or on the floor. He stares intently at me as he finally removes his underpants and is naked. When I am naked too we look at each other for a moment before we go to the bed. Connor turns the bedding right down and we lie on the bed on our backs staring up at the ceiling. Then I turn on my side just as he does the same and we start to kiss.
He is a great kisser. Our mouths blend together and I open my mouth and our tongues meet. I explore the inside of his mouth with my tongue. He sucks on my lower lip and moves down my neck kissing and licking and nibbling my skin. I'm getting very aroused. My skin becomes ultra sensitive. I start to breathe faster. I suck his left ear lobe and run my tongue down the side of his neck. He rolls us over so that I am on top of him and I feel his hands press firmly on my butt. I roll us back over so that he is on top and he lifts himself up slightly and I look down his body and I can see his cock, large and cut and stiff and hard. He moves his mouth down my chest and licks my nipples and I groan involuntarily. He sucks first one and then the other until they're hard little points. I open my legs and lift them so that they are outside his. Our cocks are pressed together and I move my hips so I can rub against him.
He moves away from me just in time. I'm getting very excited and I was starting to leak over his body. I don't want to come too quickly. I lie on my back breathing heavily and trying to quieten down. My cock is throbbing but after a moment I feel calmer. He leans over to a bedside cabinet and opens a drawer. I watch as he removes a tube of lube and then a condom. I suddenly want him to fuck me. I want it badly. Sometimes it's like that for me. I bend my knees and lift my legs up. It's not a comfortable position. He covers his fingers with lube and I feel his hand start to explore me.
"It'll be better if you roll over" he says, giving my butt a pat.
I roll onto my stomach and raise my butt up a bit and immediately I feel him begin to touch me. He circles my hole rubbing it firmly. Then he slides one finger slowly inside me. I turn my head on the pillow but I can't see him too well in the dim light from just one bedside lamp. He inserts another finger and hooks it around and finds my sweet spot and I cry out, unable to stop myself. I'm shaking a bit and my cock is pressed in the bedding. He inserts a third finger. I push back on them and it feels real good but I want more. "Fuck me now" I say to him " come on, I want to feel you in me, come on".
He leans away from me briefly and I look around and see him putting on the condom. I feel his body touching mine and his cock pushes into me. It seems enormous and I relax as much as I can, breathing heavily. His balls touch my body and then he pulls back and pushes forward again, quite slowly and carefully. I get up on my knees and he begins to move faster, and I hear him panting and gasping. My ass starts making a quishing quelching noise and I grab my cock and start to jerk off in time with his thrusts. I know I'm not going to last and I feel my balls contracting and I start to shout out things in a variety of languages, not all of them from earth. I feel it start somewhere in back of my spine and come forward in a rush and then I'm coming and shouting and coming and coming and my ass is spasming and gripping him and he comes too and I feel him shooting inside me.
I collapse onto my face on the bed and he's with me and then I feel him slide out of me and I move onto my side and he rolls onto his and he puts his arms around me. We kiss and I roll onto my back and he's on top of me again. I am sticky with my come and I can feel his running out of me onto the bedding. We should have put down a towel, I think.
"You have very light eyes" he suddenly says as we lie there growing sleepy and getting stuck together "they looked darker in the club."
"Umm" I murmur. I want to sleep. I close my eyes. I like the feel of his body on mine. I've missed sleeping with a warm, hot body next to me, I really have.
"We need to clean up" he says, and he separates himself from me and gets off the bed. I have to get up too. I don't want to but he's right, we really do need to wash up.
He changes the bedsheets while I take a shower and I go to sleep to the sound of him taking his own shower. There's nothing like a good fuck to make you have a great nights sleep. I don't hear him come to bed, but when I awake he's there, and I'm surprised to see it's morning. I usually go back to the Hub in the early hours after I've had a night like this one. I'm looking at him when he opens his eyes and smiles at me. I smile back.
"Arlen" he says, and I just stare at him "I thought..." he is mumbling now " I thought I knew you. It's just you don't expect to see someone from home here and it's been a long time since we last saw one another."
I look at him and then I know. I know why he seemed familiar and I don't know why I didn't recognize him right away. But now I do. I recognize him. He's my brother.
Chapter Two.
I have had sex with my brother. My brother fucked me. I can't believe it. We haven't seen each other in so long and I didn't know him with blonde hair. His natural color is the same as mine. I kept thinking I knew him. No wonder. But his name isn't Connor, I think. Still mine isn't Jack either.
"I can't believe what we've done, Arlen" he says.
"Stop calling me that!" I shout "I'm Jack now, have been for ages. What the fuck are you doing here anyhow? This is the 21st Century in case you haven't noticed. How did you get here?"
"I hopped aboard a Tiggellian Freighter" he answers, suddenly grinning " when they went to get supplies I...well...I kind of...borrowed the Freighter.Then I found this gadget and.."
"Shut up" I shout "I don't want to hear the sordid details. You've to go back right away. I don't want us to see each other again."
"Can't" he says "no way of returning. Besides, I like it here and you're a great fuck".
"Arliss" I sigh "you're my brother. We can't fuck again".
"Why not. I used a condom. It was quite safe".
"A lot of fucking use that was " I yell angrily "what happened to it anyhow?"
"It split. Useless things these 21st Century condoms."
"I don't remember you taking it off, where did it go?"
"I pulled right out of you once or twice and I took it off one of those times."
"You should have put on another one!"
"There's no risk with us, we're brothers."
"We didn't know that then! You could have given me something. We shouldn't have done it. We're brothers, brothers don't fuck each other." I glare at him but at the same time I'm actually ecstatically happy to see him. I'm not really worried about the condom, after all I'm immortal. Arliss doesn't know that though. I wonder if I ought to just tell him everything. He is my brother and despite what we've done I still love him. He's family. The only family I'm ever likely to see here.
He interrupts my train of thought. "I don't care," he says "I'm very happy we've met up with each other again and I want to know how you got here."
I decide I have to tell him something so I say quickly "I met a Timelord if you must know and I've done some borrowing myself once or twice too. By the way, what in hell happened to your hair?"
"I like it this color."
"I don't. You have to change it back."
"It'll grow out."
"Eventually."
"Yeh and while we're about it what exactly are YOU doing here?"
"I live here and I work here too. For Torchwood."
"Oh. Why?"
"Never mind, it's complicated. Now I'm going to take a shower and leave. I don't think we should meet again unless it's a very public place."
"Like a bar."
"Arliss!"
"Connor, it's Connor now. If I call you Jack you have to call me Connor. I don't like Arliss anyhow."
"I'm not exactly in love with Arlen either."
"Our parents had no taste " he says grinning " have breakfast before you go, you might as well. I have sausages."
I weaken at the thought of sausages. So only a short while later I'm sitting at a counter in the kitchen eating several of the damn things and Arliss and I are deep in conversation.
"After you left, Marris Hogan got married" he says.
" Marris?" I gasp "huge, hairy Marris?"
"The one and only. No-one could believe it."
"Who did she hook then?"
"You remember Juggy?"
"With the big ears?"
"Yeh, it was him."
"I feel sorry for him."
"We all did, and by the time I left they had three kids."
"Shit, I can't even imagine that."
"Two of them look almost normal too. The other one's covered in hair and has huge ears like Juggy. He's a great swimmer."
We both start to laugh. "How are Father and Pa?" I ask.
"They were fine when I left. Pa had taken up fishing. Of course, there's no fish like there is here. He throws artificial ones in and then fishes them out. It's a weird hobby."
I laugh again. Despite everything it's fantastic to talk to someone like this. Arliss and I did everything together when we were kids. I never thought I'd see him again. I still can't understand why I didn't recognize him but I did think he was safe in the 51st Century, didn't I? As kids we slept in the same bed. We were very close and now we've become even closer. We've had sex. Oh, shit. I look at him and I can still feel him inside of me. My brother. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this situation. Now we've met each other again I don't really want to loose him. We're only a year apart in age. Once we were like twins we were so close. We used to jerk off together too. Now we've actually had sex. Shit, shit, shit! As if this wasn't bad enough I'm still worried about the condom. Why didn't I notice what was going on? I know the answer to that one right away. I simply didn't care. I thought I wouldn't see the guy again so I didn't care. I don't know if I can pass on diseases that I can't get myself. I've never bothered to try and find out. I don't know what I'll do if I've given something to Arliss. I suppose I could heal him and then make him forget all about it. Oh, hell. Fucking hell!
"Where do you live, Arl..er Jack" he asks, looking at me suddenly with a concerned expression "you HAVE got somewhere have you?"
"You think I live on the street?" I'm indignant " I live in the Hub."
"What the fuck is the Hub?"
"It's the headquarters of Torchwood 3. That's where I live."
"You live where you work? Arlen, that's..that's..sick".
"It's convenient."
"And you go out and get yourself fucked by strange guys you meet in bars?"
"Not always guys."
"Come on, I know you remember, you were never very choosy."
"Neither were you. Remember those twins?"
"With the red hair?"
"Yeh. Could they bite!" We both laugh again.
He sighs. "We don't actually have to fuck each other again. We can just do what we used to."
"I guess we could". I would like to resume my relationship with Arliss. But it isn't the same as it was. It can never be the same. Because we'll both remember the night. The night when we really fucked up. I have to go to work. I'm already later than I've ever been before. I promise I'll see Arliss tonite. When I reach the door I turn to say goodbye and he puts his arms around me and I respond and we hug. Then he kisses me and I kiss him back. I kiss him back.
Chapter Three.
I can't concentrate on anything now I'm at the Hub. I try hard to behave as usual but I know I'm not being very convincing. I'm worried about Arliss. I just can't think of him as Connor. I keep saying to myself, he's Connor now, but my brain keeps saying Arliss. Ianto keeps me supplied with coffee and I know he's noticed I'm not myself. However, it's only at the end of the day, when Owen, Tosh and Gwen have gone, that he finally says something.
"Are you feeling alright, Jack?" he asks, and I realize he's concerned because he's calling me Jack.
"Yes" I say "well, I've met a person I thought I'd never see again, that's all." I immediately wish I hadn't said anything. I shall have to explain at least part of the problem now, but I so want to talk to someone.
"Who?" he asks.
"My brother" I reply and I see his face and he looks relieved. I can't help wondering what he thought I was going to say.
"I didn't know you had a brother" he says.
"We haven't seen each other for a long time" I explain quite truthfully "I didn't recognize him for a while. He's dyed his hair blonde."
"Is he older than you or younger?" Ianto asks, coming to sit beside me on the couch "what's his name?"
"He's a year older than me" I say " and his name's Connor." I have to say that. I can't tell him it's Arliss. I look at the time then. I have to go. Arliss will be waiting. He was never any good at waiting. "I'm going to meet him now" I tell Ianto "I'll see you tomorrow."
Arliss is waiting and he's prepared dinner. Steaks and potatoes and mixed vegetables. It all looks fantastic. For dessert there's a very rich chocolate pudding. He has actually set a table with candles and napkins and everything. I can't help looking surprised.
"I thought I'd spoil you" he says.
We eat our fill and Arliss clears everything while I have a go at making coffee. We sit together reminiscing and drinking coffee. After two cups I suddenly feel quite sleepy which is unusual for me. I lean back and close my eyes.
"Time for bed" Arliss says, and he stands up and holds out a hand for me to take and I do. I take his hand and allow myself to be led into the bedroom. I sit on the bed and watch Arliss undressing. I feel as if I am in a dream. I know what's going to happen. We are going to bed together. We're going to fuck. That's it. We're going to. Again. I could leave. I could object. I could do something about the situation but I don't. I stand up and remove all my clothes and get into the bed with Arliss as if I had intended to do it all along. I think about the condom again, that split. Then I forget about it as I start inevitably, to get hard.
We lie in the bed side by side and I listen to his breathing. It quickens and gets louder and then he rolls over and eases himself down on top of me and kisses me and I kiss him back. He's already hard as he moves down my body, kissing and sucking and biting. I hold onto him and I start to get even harder. I can't stop it. I don't try. I kiss his neck and bite his ears. He comes up for air and we kiss again. We move against one another. It's messy and sticky and hot as hell. He's leaking on me and I'm leaking on him and when we come, almost simultaneously, we both shout out similar nonsense. We go to the bathroom and shower together and look at each other's bodies. His is similar to mine. He's a bit taller but we are built the same way and our bodies are strikingly similar. I know what he likes because it's what I like too. I think that's why I can't say no to him. It's like saying no to a part of yourself. I feel like he's leading me to a place I don't really want to go but at the same time I do want to go there. Even when we were kids I couldn't say no to him. That's one reason why I left when I did, when I was so young.
When we're back in the bed I turn to him. "Arliss" I say " we can't keep doing this."
"I know" he says "anything goes but this. The last taboo."
"That's right".
"I want you though" he tries to explain how he feels "I always did."
"Like this?" I'm surprised, I had no idea.
"Yes" he sighs, his voice quiet "exactly like this, always. I never wanted anyone but you. When I realized it was you, I was so happy. It was my dream come true. I left home to find you. That was the only reason."
"Oh, God, Arliss. We just can't though."
"Why not? Who'll know? Who'll care?"
"I will. I will. It makes me feel guilty."
"You always were more conservative than me."
"My people would laugh if they heard you say that."
"Are you fucking any of them? Is that why you don't want me?"
"I do want you. I'm here, aren't I? And no, I'm not fucking any of them. It would get in the way. We sometimes have rather unpleasant things to do. I can't get that involved with any of them."
"You want to though, don't you?" he asks, and immediately I think of Ianto. Ianto bringing me coffee. Ianto in his suits. Ianto. I'm in bed with my brother and I start to get hard again because I'm thinking about Ianto. How did I get in this mess?
"No, I don't" I say, thinking at the same time that I do.
Arliss grins. "Unless you've changed a hell of a lot since we last met" he says "I think you do".
"It doesn't matter" I mumble "I'm in bed with you."
I have to distract myself from thinking about Ianto so I roll over in the bed and flatten myself on top of Arliss and kiss him. He responds right away. Our mouths mash together forcefully. It's like we're in a battle. I suck on his lower lip and nip his chin with my teeth and then explore the roof of his mouth with my tongue. I know that always gives me a tingling feeling. Our tongues meet and he licks the end of my nose and then sucks and bites my neck. He holds me tightly and rolls us over so that he is now on top. He lifts himself up on his forearms and sighs deeply.
"I love you, Arlen" he says seriously "I always have."
"I love you too" I mutter, slightly embarrassed "you're my brother."
"Not like that" he explains "I don't love you like that".
I realize what he means and I push him away from me and get out of the bed. My treacherous cock is still half hard. I ignore it. I rush to the bathroom. For a moment I feel as if I might throw up and I bend over the toilet but all that comes up is a mouthful of bile. Arliss appears behind me.
"What is it?" he asks. He sounds genuinely puzzled.
"I'm going home" I shout, grabbing a towel and rubbing myself hard on it " we can't see each other again."
"Why? What's wrong?" He really doesn't know, I realize.
"WHAT'S WRONG?" I'm shouting my head off now. "YOU DON'T KNOW? HAVEN'T YOU ANY MORAL CODES AT ALL?"
"What's morality got to do with it? You were never very moral before. What's wrong now?"
"I'M FUCKING WITH MY BROTHER." I push past him and find my clothes. I start to struggle into them as fast as I can. "I'M GETTING HARD FOR MY BROTHER."
"So what, we messed about a lot when we were kids."
"WE AREN'T KIDS." I have to get away. I have to get away right now before he says anything else. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I wont be able to say no. I always found it near impossible to say no to Arliss. Always. And now I remember. I remember how often he got me into trouble when we were kids. Because I couldn't say no. I was strong and determined with everyone else, but with him it was always the same. It was like he could cast a spell on me. It hasn't changed. Nothing has changed between us. The years have done nothing. I'm still like putty in his hands.
I go to the door. He follows me looking worried. "I'm going" I tell him.
"I know where you live now" he says "so don't think I wont come and find you. I've found you again and I'm not loosing you twice, Arlen or Jack or whatever you want to be called."
He doesn't really, I think, he only knows it's Torchwood. But his remark worries me just the same. I open the door. "I'm going" I say and I go. I turn back a moment before I head to the elevator and he's standing in the doorway. He grins and waves as if nothing at all has happened between us. I can't deal with this. Nothing in my life has really prepared me for this dilemma. I've gotten away again. I left home to escape Arliss. He was suffocating me because I couldn't say no to him. I don't know how many times I can run away from him. I have to try to face things. I don't know if I can do it because in a way he's right. I don't just feel brotherly love toward him. It's always been a bit more.
I leave the building and walk the streets for a while. A soft rain begins to fall. I lift my face and feel the raindrops running through my hair and down my forehead and over my cheeks. My tears mingle with the rain.
Chapter Four.
It's been a terrible day. I've been shouting and swearing at everyone and I'm relieved they've finally gone home. Except Ianto hasn't gone home. I thought he'd gone with the others but here he is in my quarters with a cup of coffee for me.
"Thought you could do with this, Jack" he says calmly, as if I hadn't thrown an earlier cup all over him.
I can't answer. I'm sitting on my bed in semi darkness with my head in my hands. He puts down the coffee and comes over and sits beside me. "D'you want to talk about it?" he asks "I'm a good listener and I'm perfectly discrete. I can keep a secret, as well you know."
He's referring to Lisa. That's in the past now. I don't want to think about it. But I know he CAN keep a secret. I can't tell him though. I don't want him know just how weak I can be. I'm ashamed.
"It's to do with your brother, Connor" he says "isn't it?"
I manage to nod. I feel terrible. I keep thinking of Arliss waving casually from his door. I keep remembering his last words to me about not loosing me again. I keep remembering the feel of him inside me and the sight of him naked and hard. For me. I keep thinking that he loves me and not as a brother. I keep thinking of the time I was 9 and he was 10 and I climbed up Peter Hogan's flagpole, and fell off and broke my left leg in two places, because Arliss told me to. I keep thinking of Pa saying to me one day -if he told you to jump in the lake out back with a brick tied round your neck would you do that too?- and me thinking- I might, I really might.
"What has he done?" asks Ianto "tell me, Jack. Please tell me. You'll feel better. Haven't you ever heard the saying a trouble shared is a trouble halved."
"I can't" I say, at last.
"Is it that bad?"
"It's that bad."
He gets up when I say that. But he just stands in front of me and doesn't leave. I look up at him and our eyes meet. I look away and he sits down again and puts his arms around me. I lean against him. He's warm and I'm suddenly cold as ice. I want to tell him. I can't, but I want to. He doesn't say anything for a while and we just sit there. For some weird reason it makes me feel better. He's here for me and that's a help.
"I want you to tell me, Jack" he announces all of a sudden "I didn't tell anyone about Lisa and afterward I wished I had. I wont judge you. I wont criticize. I'll just listen. I'm here. Tell me."
I sit up and move away from him on the bed. I take a deep breath. I shut my eyes and think of Arliss. I can't tell Ianto though. I can't tell anyone. I don't really understand what's going on myself. I only know that I knew from a very early age, perhaps from even before I could talk, that my parents preferred Arliss to me. They weren't obvious about it. In fact, I realized later that they'd made strenuous efforts to not show it. But I knew. I always knew. As long as I can remember I knew they loved him more than me. I've often wondered if that's why I can't say no to him. In some weird way I maybe decided when I was real young that they preferred him because he was in some way superior to me. I don't know. But I can't tell Ianto. I can't tell anyone.
"If I told anyone I'd tell you" I say to Ianto " but I can't. I have to deal with this on my own."
He stands up then. He starts to leave and then stops. He looks at me. "Remember I'm here for you then" he says "don't forget."
"I wont" I tell him. Part of me wishes he wouldn't go. The other part is mighty glad he's going. I watch him leave and I drink the coffee. I wish it was poison. I can't die though. I have to face this. I have to. I have a life and a job here. I wont give it up. I'm tired of running away. I get up and put on my coat. I'm going to see Arliss. I'm going to try to sort this mess out. I'll make him sit down and listen to me. I leave the Hub and I'm afraid. I'm afraid of myself and I realize I'm afraid of Arliss. Shit!
Half an hour later I have summoned up sufficient courage to actually knock on Arliss's door. He opens it right away as if he's standing behind it when I knock. He beams a smile at me. He's pleased to see me. He takes my coat and it's all very nice and civilized. I start to actually hope things will be O.K.
"Coffee?" he asks "or something stronger?"
"Coffee will be fine." I have to keep a cool head for this.
I follow him into the kitchen and watch him make the coffee. I look at his face so familiar to me. His eyebrows are still dark. He didn't dye them when he dyed his hair. He has long eyelashes and strong hands which are larger than mine. His mouth is very like my own. I remember the feel of his lips on mine. The feel of his body pressed against me. A hot feeling rises in my chest and my hands get sweaty. I'm aware that I'm starting to breathe heavily. I can feel my heart beating. It's so loud I wonder if he can hear it. I go out of the kitchen and sit down on the couch in the living room. He comes in with the coffee and puts it down on the table in front of the couch. He sits beside me. He's so close to me our legs are touching. He puts one hand on my knee and leans over and kisses me without touching any other part of my body. He leans away from me and he's smiling and confident. I don't want to respond but I can't stop myself. I start to get hard.
"Bed, I think" he says, quite calmly, and I realize once again that nothing we've done has bothered him in the slightest.
"No" I say, not moving.
He looks puzzled for a moment. He puts his hand on my pants and feels how hard I am. He starts to rub me through my clothing. I bite my lip and try not to groan. "No" I repeat "I just want to talk".
"This says otherwise" he tells me, and he starts to undo my pants. I grab his hand. I push it away from me. I stand up.
"NO" I shout "WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHEN I SAY NO, I MEAN NO.NO!"
"Arlen" he sighs, not shouting back or even getting angry "it'll be good, you see."
"LEAVE ME ALONE" I shout.
"You came here" he announces, smiling.
His smile infuriates me more than anything, so when he stands up and reaches for me again I hit him. He doesn't respond. He doesn't hit me back. He just stands there holding his jaw and looking sad. It makes me feel terrible. Why is it that he's in the wrong but it's me that feels terrible?
"I'm going" I say, looking at my knuckles, the ones that hit him, "I'm never coming back".
"I don't understand you at all, Arlen" he says, still looking sad.
"I know you don't" I mutter as I put on my coat.
"You want me" he sighs "I know you want me. Why can't we just be together?"
"I do want you" I try to explain " but it's wrong the way I want you. I'll always feel that it's wrong and nothing you say'll ever change that. I've done a lot of things since we parted before. A lot of..........unsavory things. I'm trying to....I can't explain without sounding like an idiot.....but I'm trying to be....to be a better person...there's things I can do....... things you don't know about...to help this world and I want to do them...and I can't if I'm having...if I'm having my brother. I want to keep seeing you but I can't if all it is is sex. Try to understand. please."
"Oh, Arlen" he says, and his eyes suddenly fill with tears and I feel like the biggest heel in the universe.
"You don't really know me, Arliss" I tell him "I'm NOT like I was." He just stares at me and I plow on desperately. "I'm immortal" I say " I CAN'T DIE, Arliss. When that condom split I was afraid. I might be able to give you some horrendous 21st Century venereal disease and .....I...."
He comes straight over to me then and puts his arms around me. Not like a lover but like the brother he is. I hug him back. "I love you, Arlen" he says "I always have. If i've ever hurt you it was because I'm a stupid idiot not purposely. If we can't have sex because it would offend some weird 21st Century moral code you've picked up, well, I'll deal with it. I want us to see one another. I don't want to fight you. I never have. I know I wasn't a good elder brother. D'you think I didn't know? I just don't worry. I never worry about things. You were always worried enough for both of us. Maybe it's a flaw in me. I don't know. It probably is. I want us to be close. To be friends if that's all you can manage. I'll try it. Don't go away like this. You can have the bed. I'll take the couch. I wont touch you. Just stay, please."
In my whole life he's never spoken to me like this. He's trying real hard to be the person I want him to be. So I nod. "Yes " I agree "I'll stay." I hope i've done the right thing. I hope we're both doing the right thing. I really do. He's my brother. I love him. We're going to try to be just friends. He's doing it for me. For me. I'm not doing it for him. He's doing something I want for once. Perhaps things WILL work out. Perhaps. We'll see.
Chapter Five.
Despite the fact that I feel slightly guilty that I have a huge bed and Arliss just has a couch I sleep all night. I don't often sleep all night so when I awake I'm in a very good mood and am looking forward to the day. I've even decided to take a day off from Torchwood and spend the whole day with Arliss. There is an immediate problem with this idea however, because when I look for him all I find is a note on one of the kitchen counters. It says- gone out to get you a surprise, see you very soon love A.
I have breakfast. I contact my team and tell them I'm taking the day off. I shower. I watch some daytime TV. I read a book. I have a sandwich for lunch. No Arliss. It's only when it gets to 2pm that I start to really worry. Where the hell is he? Then all sorts of horrific thoughts flood through my brain and I start to ring the Hospitals to see if he has had an accident. The second call I make brings results. There WAS an accident at 10am. A man was crushed by a truck. I ask his name and they say they can't tell me over the phone. I go to the Hospital to see if it's Arliss. I don't feel that Arliss is dead, though. I don't feel the sort of empty feeling that I associate with the death of a loved one. This will be a mistake, I think. Arliss will suddenly appear with what ever he's gone out to buy. I feel sorry for the family of whoever it was that was crushed. Can a man survive being crushed by a truck? I don't know.
The man was killed I discover. He didn't survive. I can't see him because he isn't recognizable anyhow. Evidently the truck driver lost control and was heading for an old lady when a man ran out and pushed her to safety. The truck then knocked him down and a wheel ran over his head. I listen to all this thinking no it isn't my Arliss. Yes, they say he had a document with him with his name on it and he was carrying a large parcel. The man telling me all this looks at the name. He reads out the name. Arliss Lederberg. I say quite calmly that I'm his next of kin. I'm his brother. I insist on being shown his body. It's in the Hospital morgue. It has a sheet over it. I'm told not to look at his head. As soon as I am alone I look anyhow. But there's virtually nothing there. Just a red colored heap of sludge that has no recognizable features. It could be anyone. But I'm suddenly convinced that it is Arliss and I can't bring HIM back because he has no head and no features and I just can't. I've never tried to bring anyone back who was actually in pieces. It must be Arliss. It's the right size and is wearing a coat I remember seeing in Arliss's closet. It is him. He's gone and I am dead too. I am a dead man. I'm breathing and moving but I'm dead. It's over. Arliss is dead and I am dead too. The world is dark and there is no light. There will never ever be any light for me again. I step into the darkness with outstretched arms. It's good.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's happening or what's happened, but suddenly the morgue has gone and I'm in the Hub. I'm sitting on my bed and I have a parcel on my knees. It's wrapped in blue paper. Ianto is sitting on one side of me and, mysteriously, Owen is sitting on the other. I look at them one after the other and they both look at me and I can see they're surprised. I don't know what's happening and I don't know why Owen is concerned about me. Ianto, yes, but Owen? Worried ? Owen? I open the parcel and there's a box inside and inside that is a blue teddy bear. It has a note around its neck which says- Brutus. I had a teddy called Brutus when I was very small and one day I couldn't find it. I never saw it again and I cried for it every night for ages. Now here is a replacement. What does it all mean? That Arliss went out and got himself killed after buying me a teddy bear. How strange is that? Maybe he stole the original one or lost it or something. Did he feel guilty for years, I wonder. He told me he never felt guilt. I'm confused. I wish I could remember how I got to the Hub. That would be a start, anyhow. I'd be less confused then.
I sit holding the bear. Owen actually puts his arm around me. Owen has never done anything like this before. It's really bad. I can't believe it. Why am I in the Hub and not at the Hospital? Finally, I manage to speak and my voice is quite hoarse as if I haven't used it for a while. "What's happening?" I ask.
"How do you feel?" Owen asks. He isn't telling me anything. How do I feel? I don't know. I'm too confused.
"I don't know what's happening" I tell him "I was at the Hospital. They showed me a body. It was my brother and now I'm here."
"D'you think we should tell him?" Ianto asks Owen. I'm here, I think. Why are you talking as if I'm not here?
"Yes" says Owen "he's here with us now. He has to know." He's here with us now, so where was I before?
My bewilderment is increasing by the moment and I'm just about to ask what's going on again when Owen says " we brought you here from the Hospital. It didn't take us long to find out where you were. Luckily Torchwood has clout. We brought you here and you've been here ever since."
"Ever since?" I ask. I'm getting a really bad feeling about all this. I feel slightly dizzy and my confusion is increasing. The last thing I remember was being in the Hospital morgue.
"Eight weeks and four days ago" says Ianto "your brother's body is in our morgue still. You've been ill."
I can't believe this. I'VE LOST OVER EIGHT WEEKS OF MY LIFE. I lost two years before and now I've lost even more. Arliss is dead and I'm still alive. I'll always be alive. I am so tired, so tired of being alive. I sit there. I wish I could die. That's all I'm thinking over and over. This is the worst thing ever. It's totally unbearable. I can't survive it. I don't want to. Arliss is gone forever. I don't believe in life after death. You die and you're gone and that's it. IF ONLY I COULD DIE. I want to go where Arliss has gone. If there's nothing I want the same nothingness. We can be nothing together. I want to be in the morgue on a slab with him.
"I'll get a coffee for you" says Ianto, and he gets up and goes away and I'm left with Owen.
"You've come back" says Owen "you've had a breakdown. You were shouting and screaming in the Hospital morgue. They had to sedate you. I'll tell you more when you feel better."
"Where have I been?" I ask.
"You've been here" he says "you need to recover a lot more before I'll tell you anything else."
We sit and wait for the coffee and I think. I went away somewhere inside my head and I can do it again. I can go somewhere quiet and peaceful inside myself where the memories of Arliss are and I can find him again inside my head. I can find him there and we need never be apart. I can stay there in the quiet dark and be dead with Arliss. I shut my eyes and the dark is there just behind my eyeballs. It's waiting for me. I run toward it.
Chapter Six.
I suddenly become aware that I'm in a field. I'm lying on my back on the grass. The sun is beaming down on me and I can hear birds singing somewhere nearby. I feel very happy and relaxed. I roll onto my side and I'm not a bit surprised to find that Arliss is lying next to me and we're both naked.
"Arliss?" I say. He smiles and puts one finger over my mouth. He doesn't want me to speak. He moves closer to me and we kiss. Our mouths blend together and I wrap my arms tightly around him. I can hear my heart beating loudly and I can feel the warmth of his body coming onto mine. I don't care if we're brothers. I don't care. I love him and he loves me and we're meant to be together.
He kisses my cheeks and my chin and my collar bone and moves down to my nipples. He kisses each one and sucks and bites them until they're hard nubs. I roll onto my stomach and bend my knees under me and I feel him spit in my hole and explore it with his tongue. He puts his tongue inside as far as he can. Then he withdraws and applies more spit. He rises onto his knees and I feel him pushing inside me. He doesn't use any lube but it doesn't hurt and I want it badly. I move back against him so his cock goes right in and I can feel his balls touching me. We move in perfect rhythmic harmony. Even our breathing is synchronized. He reaches around and holds my cock and moves his hand on it as he moves in and out of me. I feel my body tensing and shaking as I get ready to come. My balls tighten and my body jerks in time with my cock as I shoot all over myself and the grass and I feel Arliss spurting inside me, hot and hard.
He slides out of me and I roll onto my side and straighten my legs and we embrace. "Arliss, oh Arliss" I say, because I must speak to him.
"Arlen" he says, and his voice is just like it always is, "I love you, I love you so much. I must tell you something though and I want you to listen and make a promise. Will you do that for me?"
"Yes" I tell him "anything." I feel full of love for him and I will truly promise him anything. He was dead to me and now he is alive. I will promise him anything he asks.
"I want you to remember me" he says " but I want you to say goodbye. Remember, as long as you live I'll never really be gone because I'll be in your heart. No-one who's been truly loved ever really dies, you know. Because they live on in the hearts and memories of those who loved them. I want you to live and love and have a life. I want you to do it for me. I'll leave you a token before I go, and then we'll say goodbye. But sometimes, in the still of the night, you'll feel that I'm near because I'll never really leave you. Promise me, Arlen, because I can't go until you promise and I want to go now."
My eyes are so clouded with tears that I can hardly see him and there's a huge lump in my throat but I say "I promise" because he asks me to. He stands up then and I stand up next to him. We embrace one last time and he bends down and picks a daisy from the grass and hands it to me. Then he moves away from me and walks away and I see his hand waving and I watch him getting smaller and smaller until he's gone from my sight.
I sit down on the grass and look at the daisy...and then....and then....and then.....everything disappears and I'm lying on a couch in some strange living room. I sit up and look around. I don't know where I am until a door opens and Ianto comes into the room. He stops in the doorway and stares at me. He looks amazed.
"Jack?" he says, loudly "Jack?"
"Yes?" I reply, quite calmly.
He actually runs to me then. He sits down beside me and I suddenly find I'm being grasped in a ferocious hug. "Jack!" Ianto exclaims "you're here!"
"Yes" I say "I seem to be, although how I got here is a bit of a mystery. Is this your place?"
"Yes, it's my flat" he says "you've been here...a while now".
I don't ask him how long. It doesn't really matter. I'm here now and that's all that is important for the moment. "I take it I've been sick again?" I say.
He sighs. "Owen called it a catatonic state or a fugue or something" he mumbles "I don't think he knows much about mental problems or anything like that. But I could tell as soon as I saw you that you were back. I hope it's for good this time. Owen is a hopeless boss and he looses his temper too fast as well. I shouldn't be bothering you with all this but it's so fantastic that you're back. I must tell the others, they'll be so excited. I'll get you a coffee first. D'you want a coffee, Jack?"
"A coffee would be great" I reply " and don't worry, Ianto, I am back for good now."
I don't know how I know that. But I do. I have gone into the dark place and come out into the light on the other side. Arliss is dead but he isn't. Everytime I look in a mirror I'll see him. He'll always be just that bit away from me but never very far. He'll be my guardian for ever. He'll be in my heart and in my mind and I'll never really loose him. I can still feel the warmth of his breath on my face and if I close my eyes I can see him smiling and waving goodbye and in my hand still is the daisy he gave me. I'm holding the daisy in my hand and as I look at it in amazement it crumbles into dust and I'm left with the memory, but sometimes the memory is so good, so perfect, that it's enough. As long as I am here Arliss will never die. I'll live and I'll love in his memory. My brother. My love.
THE END